A work in progress project about parodying self help books.
BOOK NUMBER 1
Title:
You are a miserable asshole, I love you.
Or
How to drag on a relationship through toxic love.
Synopsis:
Is your relationship languishing? You are loosing all the passion?
Join the unstoppable wave of toxic love: lie, manipulate, seduce, reject... transform your bipolarity and absolute lack of ethics in libido.
Intensify your partner’s levels of culpability with the strangest emotional stunts.
Make your constant infidelity in powerful bait that will make them get down on their knees.
Transform the empathy in dependence and care in obsession.
Tell them you love them and you want to marry them then call the police and suit them for abuse. Leave them flowers and a box with delicious chocolate with an envelope with a voucher for a liposuction.
Make them get a 50 years mortgage with you after perjuring your love, then ask for divorce. Two months later get them back and start this beautiful vicious circle to infinity.
Invite the one who s been the love of your life to their birthday parties. Gift them a beautiful night in a swinger’s party for valentines day.
Become a puppeteer of love: since you can’t control your emotions, at least control the emotions of the ones you think you love till they become miserable wrecks.
This book includes three extra guides:
“How the get all the passwords for their social networks”.
“The art of drama: transform dates and romantic trips into irreparable traumas”.
And “The limits of manipulation: how to pretend to commit suicide without dying trying”.
BOOK NUMBER 2
Title:
Why am I so lonely?
Guide to understand your loneliness but can’t fix your absolute unbearableness.
It comes with an imaginary friend that will also abandon you in less than 24h.
Synopsis:
No psychiatrist in the city is taking your calls? Your parents changed the lock of their house? The phone calls you get these past years are always from Orange? Your Saturday’s plan are always gin tonics and phone calls to the Emergency Spiritual Aid? You’ve been working 10 years in the same company and nobody knows your name? You’re not able to kill yourself because it makes you sad that no one will ever discover your corpse?
This guide will not give you any tool to stop being alone, but it will at least help you to understand the reasons and to accept it for only 12,95 euros.
The book includes a handbook to invent interesting phone conversations while you walk in the street, to help you hide the unbearable pain of loneliness to the people.
BOOK NUMBER 3
Title:
I have aids (again).
Complete your life and embitter the life of your entourage through hypochondria. With a guide of more than 1000 web sites without any scientific evidence to diagnose yourself.
Synopsis:
Fulfill your life with meaning and torment the one of your loved ones with this perfect handbook for hypochondriacs.
Learn how to transform the online self diagnosis into social weapons of mass destruction.
Develop Parkinson before your 20’s, senile dementia before your 30’s, turn every mosquito bite into a melanoma, convert every yawn in COPD and your halitosis in a throat cancer.
With a whole chapter about curing with alternative medicine your imaginary ailment: moon stones, homeopathy, shaman rituals and electromagnotherapy.
Learn how to disdain the opinions of a first class medical specialist and value the recommendations of an unemployed schizophrenic jerk that write in forums of natural medicine and acuponcture.
Live your life through constant complaint, infect your relationships, provoke dismissals, avoid visiting your in-laws, basically become a pain in the ass.
Invent new diseases and jump in that vital rollercoaster of believing you’re going to die everyday. Make that ‘1 every five million of people’ into a safe probability. Cause the permanent medical leave of your doctor for emotional exhaustion.
And last but not least! Be the first one to die from an unknown illness.
BOOK NUMBER 4
Title:
No one is as dumb as all of us together. The perfect guidebook for meetings.
Transform the most useless work act into a lifestyle. With more than 500 conversation subjects to extend unnecessarily unnecessary meetings. And its coming with a handbook to draw more than 100 dicks while you pretend to listen.
Synopsis:
Do you want to reduce your workday to levels that have never been seen before? And all of it without even leaving your company? Get this book that will change your life. Learn to localize and to stick to the most mediocre bosses, all over the place and incapable.
Transform half an hour meetings into marathons of anecdotes and irrelevant conversations that will ruin each and everyone of the set objectives. Stimulate the engagement of your most incapable co-workers to sink every suggestion, specially the good ones. Learn how to approach the meetings toward the bad decisions that will imply the need of more meetings.
This books also provides this month a glossary of terms like: paradigm, to scale, to grease,… that no one knows what they mean but hide perfectly the dumb ass you carry inside you.